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To Shawna [Jan. 7th, 2010|09:42 am]
I hide from my own shadows
I close my eyes from my inner light

But I always protected you
From my inner turmoil

Through the oceans of hardship
Through storms of trouble
I'm compelled to be there

I'm compelled to wipe the rain from your eyes
To keep your warm from torrential skies
To hold you up to breathe the salty air
To keep the life in your lungs, the wind through your hair

Beleive me I want to let you go
I want to let go
I scream to the heavens
It's unfair, in my firm grasp
But God doesn't hear me

Maybe one day, I'll find the strength
To drop the one precious opal
I found in the depths of endless sea
Maybe one day I'll release this mast
Maybe one day I'll be free to drown

But I have to hold on to what I have
For the ocean frightens me
I have to keep you near
To hold on to that stone that weighs me
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(no subject) [Nov. 30th, 2007|02:59 pm]
[Current Mood |determineddetermined]

Darkness envelopes everything, even where there is light, I only see a twilight a montage of how things could be somewhere, someplace happier and the darkness that fills my life. Each day I wake up is just slowly usurped by oblivion, draining color and life from me. And you, my siblings in this, I know that you feel the same thing. I know you feel the same way. But we mustn't give up, we mustn't let this shadow of our own souls take us over because it is only an ebb and flow of a dark tide, but just like any tide; it will eventually subside.

There is a light that will one day break through at the end of the storm and I can feel it. Can't you feel it my siblings? No matter how dark things may be (and they become dark I know), black thoughts poisoning our mind, burdens that weigh us down and try to break us. Please go on, please don't give up, I beg you. Despite the demons who taunt you, a past that mocks you, aberrates you to only feel a charicature of yourself; there is hope, there is each-other and there is a new day lifting for us. I can feel it, I can carry on and I want so badly for each of us to be there at the end; I don't want to be alone in this.

If we give in now, if we let the tempest of angst take us we'll never get to see this new day dawn, we'll never feel the sunlight on our face again. If we give up, all is lost. No matter what promises oblivion gives, try to keep in mind eternity; try to keep in mind that storms always subside, keep in mind that if you wait it out and refuse to die you will see the sunlight of wonder once again. As long as we have breath in our body, as long as we have the will to continue to live, there is nothing that can be taken from us by the abyss.
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(no subject) [Nov. 23rd, 2007|01:08 pm]
[Current Music |The Farthest Star - VNV Nation]

What the hell is going on? It's like my journal just disappeared. I guess it doesn't matter because I've had this journal for a while and the history just trials off into obscurity anyhow. Lots of things seem like they matter little now. There's a part of me that wonders why I keep going but a hidden part deep inside that knows.

"If we fall and break, all the tears in the world cannot make us whole again."
- VNV Nation.

Yesterday should've been fun. I've become more surrounded by friends than ever and here I am more depressed than ever. What the hell is wrong with me? I have no right to feel like this when everything is good. There has to be a reason for all of this, I pray that it'll all makes sense soon. I know it's some sort of trial. I guess the "eternal myth-making machine" someone on the depression community mentioned in a comment is something I want so badly to believe in. It keeps me journeying on.
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(no subject) [Nov. 22nd, 2007|10:19 am]
[Current Mood |determineddetermined]

I was foolish to think that I could rise above it all like some sort of angelic being whose feet never touch the soil. I fell into this crevice again and my hands and feet are muddy just as yours are. And right now, I can't tell whether I am clamouring out or not. I can't tell if the things I do are a ritual to my demise or if I am desperately trying to regain some sort of foothold. I've been crying a great deal since yesterday. It began yesterday when my best friend told me that she doesn't have any feelings for me and never could after we slept in the same bed. I never loved anyone like I loved her and I know that the one dream I would do anything for; the dream I would die just to have a taste of, there's not even a sliver of hope for.

For the longest time, the fear of death had kept me going. It was a motivator for me in my lowest time. But, the emotional pain that I experience right now as I think that I'll never be as close to my best friend as I'd like to, I'd gladly welcome the possibility of oblivion, of fading into nothing and with the knowledge of the world that I've gleaned, I'm inclined to believe that there is nothing on the other side. It's funny how, when I was younger, oblivion in death scared me so much that I didn't want to think about it. Then, as I've gotten into college. It was a liberating thought, but still frightening. Now, as I feel this impeding darkness wash over me, this kind of darkness that permeates even bright and happy days for everyone else. I see twilight where others see a bright noon, dark clouds where others see sunlight.

I hope that I don't sound like I'm asking for pity. I guess I just know that it's in my head and that I can clamour for this. It's just funny how easily unrequited love can tear us down.

An online friend was trying to help drag me from the muck decided that somehow telling me that there would never be anything between her and I. I think it only helped push me further toward the edge. Not that I exactly wanted to date her; but because she proved to me how truly worthless I look in the eyes of the opposite sex. I know, ultimately, I just need more confidence and less anxiety. I just think those are two things that won't come easily and so the road seems long and nearly impossible. I look at myself in the mirror and realize how fat and ugly, I am. I'm 28 years old, and to me that feels like I'm ancient. I think above all of this, I want for her happiness so badly. I would do anything to make sure that she is always happy. I would sacrifice my entire being for her.

I guess, in this, lies my destiny. I hope that one day I can prove to her how much I love her. This is probably the only thing that keeps me going now. And the strange thing is, I want nothing from it but her happiness, to lift her above all of this.
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(no subject) [Aug. 30th, 2007|02:34 pm]
[Current Mood |okayokay]

I went to philosophy class. I think I'm really getting into this philosophy stuff. Very interesting. I think it helps that the professor is a bit entertaining. I've only had one, maybe two boring professors here at Uni and they were bad at teaching in general. I just sometimes can't get over how many people go there or how many beautiful women go to the class who don't seem interested in talking to me *laughs*.

I gamed again last night. I played this old philosopher type who talked in symbols and riddles. I guess it's a reflection of a side or mood of me. I relied on alot of darkwave music to get a feel for how he spoke. Groups like VNV Nation (who was the primary one) but also some others like Cruxshadows and Wolfsheim. I just love the way lyrics are in those groups.

I want to get a book on yoga and begin practicing again. I also need to get back into exercising daily, not just relying on all of the walking I do.

I'll be right back, I have to check on some beans I'm cooking.
Okay, back. I've been cooking the same pot of beans for three days? No wait, two days. I got some fresh beans, my mom said I could borrow the crock pot and I forgot. So I've been trying to cook these beans. Fresh beans are difficult to cook. I just now finished cooking, I put it all in a pot of some rice and shrimp that I had cooked before. Last night, I was trying to cook them and it wasn't going so well. So, then I went to game last night, turned off the pot and let them sit for a while so they could soak. Then when I came home today, I cooked them some more.

Then, this morning I had gotten up early and cooked them some more but I had to go to school so I filled it with more water and let them sit while I was at school. When I came back home, I let them simmer for a while; for about 60 minutes this time like the package said to do. Then, I had a few beans. They're okay but still just a tad hard. They're alot softer than they were last night,though.

I guess that's what I get for not following directions. It's funny, I'm usually better than most people at following directions and even better about questioning them. I guess in this case I just thought, "how difficult is it to cook beans?" Apparently it is very difficult.

I missed German class yesterday. I'm still quite perturbed about it. I was trying to help my mother. She helps me out alot. I have alot of people who help me out alot.
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(no subject) [Aug. 28th, 2007|11:06 am]
[Current Mood |ecstaticecstatic]
[Current Music |Helen - Crüxshadows]

I read my previous journal entry. I'm well aware that I made it public, but everything about my past is a part of me and I'm a part of everything that I have come in contact with in my life. I am a part of all who I have met and it's not something to try to make allowances for or excuses or hide who I am. I will not have skeletons in my closet and I will not hide from the prejudices of humanity any longer. I am who I am and if I can't be accepted from it by certain individuals or groups than those individuals and groups can bite me. We are all part of this sea of consciousness and no man is an island unto himself no matter how much we'd like to think, no matter how much we try to build this wall around ourselves and it's time to become lost amongst it all, to lose ourselves amongst all of it. Yes there is pain in the world, sadness, dying, loneliness, hatred, angst and negativity but there is also love, pleasure, sanctity, peace, goodness and harmony. And, I refuse that there is no more or less of one than the other and to open the flood gates to one is to open the flood gates to the other, the dark is all mixed into the light and even if there is only black and white it's all there and it's what it means to be human and to live.
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(no subject) [Aug. 26th, 2007|12:48 pm]
[Tags|, ]
[Current Mood |coldcold]

Yesterday, I was supposed to go to a friend's funeral. A friend of mine who passed away this last week. I hadn't spoken to him in a while, but not because of bad terms just a combination of things that probably made us feel that it wasn't appropriate for us to talk to one-another. I wrote something in my facebook about it. I guess I scatter my journal across the web. I deleted my myspace. I'm beginning to hate myspace. I think that I'd like to make my own website one day, but I'm always saying that. I saw my friend's name on my buddy list and it was like pain washed up again. I often feel like maybe it's silly to mourn his loss because if I was so worried about losing him, I would have kept in touch with him better. It was by chance that I was told. Another friend of his, who was rooming with him was training at the same place I worked and saw me in the breakroom. That's when I found out. He told me and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He was a good man and one of those few people who were good, not because of something he could get out of it, but for the sake of being good in and of itself. He was intrinsically good. It's pretty certain that he committed suicide, the only phrase I found out from the note he left was, "blame no one". It almost seems like profound words, especially for the situation.

A day before I heard about my friend, another friend confided in me, a girl who I think is so special, confided in me an experience she had that she had prostituted herself the previous day. It was like being stung by a butterfly and dying from the poison.

Shortly before that, I made love to a girl who had a miscarriage a week or so before that. I was her first since the ordeal that she had been through. I fell into her because of it. She cried alot afterward because of things I said in conversation washed up the pain anguish of things of her past. I did everything I could to comfort her. Perhaps I did too much, because we ended up sleeping together in the first place. Perhaps I didn't do enough. I met her the day of the evening we made love. We haven't really talked much since.

A week before that, a pet of my family died, a cat. This cat loved me dearly for some reason and would always crawl into my bed and snuggle with me. I was still living with my family when he died. He didn't have a mark on him save for the blood of the animals he was fighting. His back was broken and he bled internally. I don't have pets anymore. I live alone in the dorms save for an aloof roommate. I can't have pets. I feel quite alone in the late evenings.

There is a storm coming, and I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm; unaffected by it but surrounded by it and I can't let it drag me into it. I have to be strong, if not for me, for someone else...for everyone else.
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(no subject) [Aug. 14th, 2007|12:43 pm]
Well, I've moved into the dorms and while I should be happy and excited, I sit here, increasingly depressed. I went to the pool and dipped my legs in, then I frowned and thought, "what's the point?" I tried to play this game I had taken interest in recently, a game called "Second Life" but I just don't have any motivation to do so. Depression has hit me hard and I don't know why. Maybe I'll go outside and smell the air or something, meditate, play my recorder, but I'm often self-conscious about such things.
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(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2007|05:10 pm]
[Current Mood |blahblah]

Things have become dark as of late and they're getting darker. I try to fight the feeling which has emerged quickly since yesterday but there are too many omens, too much death. Some people close to two of my co-workers have died yesterday and then I came home to find my cat, who was attacked by dogs the previous night, had died of no visible wounds. It's all around me, the air is permeated with this eminent doom but I feel generally unaffected--at least physically like the doctor, in a short-story that I'm currently reading, dealing with an epidemic.

But, in this case, the epidemic is something more intagible and less confrontable than disease and infinately more contagious.

I recently wrote somewhere that I'm more intimately involved with dark fictions because I feel they are more dramatic due to how it shines more brightly in the darkness like colors applied to black velvet becoming like neon light like Plato's Allegory of the Cave when they are turned to see the moon and night.

If things become darker (and portents show that they will) so will I strive even harder toward light and will shine ever brighter.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2007|11:57 am]
I always come to this cul-de-sac and I keep turning back. I'm afraid of burning bridges because I always want this safety net to fall back on. I walk a bit and then I come back from said walk. I'm not just talking about literally but also metaphorically in every walk of my life. If I'm to find what I'm searching for, I must learn to start venturing further forward and relinquishing that of my past which I need to slough off. It's funny, because it's a Christian book that a new friend of mine had lent me, which is part of what I've gleaned this new wisdom from. It talked about how it's difficult to get horses out of a burning barn because they are familiar with their stall and will burn up in their stall before attempting to run from the fire because it is animal (including humans) nature to often confuse the familiar with safety and the unfamiliar with danger which is not always true.

Some months ago I had passed a milestone in my life. The milestone was an awakening to the world. The world is deeper and richer than we could possibly imagine and the depth is like an abyss, it just keeps getting deeper and deeper, filling up with more richness. At the time, it was difficult to explain that milestone. It has gotten easier now. I truly believe that my next milestone will be a relinquishing of the past and a rebuilding of future, a rubicon which I will embark upon. I just hope that in my rubicon, it doesn't mean that I have to completely disappear from everyone's life. Because those I truly call friend, I love. I guess only time will tell. What I discover will take me where I need to be, and if it means relinquishing of everything of me, a reincarnation of sorts, I suppose that's what it means. But even in that, there is optimism, the chance to meet in the next life, right?

Another thing that I've been contemplating is about love. I think love is like hope, it keeps us going and it helps form ourselves into better people, a more ideal of ourselves. The idea that if we can't or won't be motivated to do something for ourselves that maybe we'll do something to better ourselves for others. As long as we don't completely lose ourselves in others, perhaps it's healthy to an extent. And as long as we're willing to accept the prize at the end, even if it's not what we expect. Perhaps the prize of loving unconditionally, another, wasn't the person we love but someone else who loves us as equally, someone we never expected. Or maybe the prize was learning to love ourselves for what we are or perhaps the prize isn't love at all, but lessons learned and wisdoms that really enlighten us and lead us closer to personal ascension. Unconditional love is never bad or wrong as long as we leave our expectations at the door. Besides, I remember someone telling me how love and hate were conditions like weather is a condition; like rain and snow. And while we can't stop the rain from coming or the snow from falling, we can choose what we do about it and how we react to it.
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